the ENCOUNTER

I saw you and I ran away unconciously....
Well, I did pray to not make me run into you
When I caught your figure, without any further thought (and obviously I didn't even know why I suddenly do it without even thinking), I just turned around
You were not much different...walking calmly through the crowd
But my heart had changed

Despite all the past that we've been through, I just turned away from you on that moment, on that day's encounter...

Still Reminds Me

(Anggun C. Sasmi)

Ku hitung jari..jari
I cut off my hair
Put some red on every nail on my feet
I think it’s pretty
I repainted all the rooms
Got a cat that I named june, obviously..I think she’s happy...
Friends threw some parties
I’ve been to them all there’s not one that I missed...

C/o
And I’ve tried to spend my time with somebody new
But everyone still reminds me of you
I tried to play some songs that’d changed my point of view
But every sound still reminds me of you
I’ve done some walking
Listen to the people talk on the street...I don’t feel lonely..
I saw some movies
But your face kept coming back on the screen
I think I’m crazy
Can’t make decisions
I could use some more distractions today

Chorus(bridge)
I wonder where did I go wrong? ...
What made you gone...How I hate to feel alone.....(somebody new.......reminds me of you...)

Chorus
I’ve tried to spend my time with somebody new
But everyone still reminds me of you
Tried to play some songs that’d changed my point of view
But every sound still reminds me of you
I try to look for something that to hold on to
Cause I’m lost
Im numb without you
I tried to find some ways to free me from this blue
Cause everything still reminds me of you
Still remind me.......ohh....(remind me of you...)
Still remind me of you...

It was nothing --- or --- was it everything ?

It was almost a year ago. I was connected through a wifi in my friend's house in Singapore while my husband was having a serious talk with my friend. While doing some work, I chat with some of my friends. Suddenly a window popped and *ding* : Oii...

"It's him! I can't answer it!" I looked at my husband and my heart beat so fast.

*Does it always mean that you are doing something wrong if your heart beats fast?*

Despite all the heartbeats, the sweating, I took a decision to chat with him, Jamie. But then I was caught in the act, covered up with a lot of lies, anger and deceit. I was almost hit by my husband. It was one of the most horrible evening I had ever had in my life. I knew then...since that day, our marriage would never be the same anymore.

It was not the first time I deceived my husband. I did it once back on 2007. With an unacceptable reason I stood up and got angry also. "It was nothing. I had considered all of them as friends. So when I chatted with them, received their calls, it was just a friend getting in touch with a friend. Why bother too much?"

He couldn't understand. He stood strong on his ideas of an affair. Yes, according to him, I have had an affair, by receiving-replying emails, receiving calls, and chatting with my ex's.

Have I?

Aku Jadi Mikir2...

Aku lagi mikir-mikir….dan sedikit kesel. Dah tinggal countdown hari doang menuju Lebaran nih. Salah satu yang menjadi pikiran itu adalah soal pembantu pada saat-saat ini. Asyiknya, pembantuku ga pulang pas Lebaran, tapi pulang pas setelah Lebaran, tanggal 21 Oktober gituh. Tapi ternyata sama aja….

Ketika tau pas Lebaran, pembantuku ga pulang, adik iparku langsung telpon mertuaku supaya pembantu di rumah itu dibawa ke rumahnya dia aja, nginep di sana ampe tanggal 20 Oktober, sehari sebelum dia pulang kampung. Sebenernya sih aku ga gitu masalah. Ya udah lah, kasian juga kali ya….dia punya 2 anak kecil di rumah.

Ternyata……….muncul fakta yang membingungkan aku. Di rumah adik iparku itu, dua orang suster anak-anaknya ga pulang, satu pembantunya juga ga pulang! Aku jadi mikir-mikir….. Dengan di rumahnya dia yang terdiri dari dia (adik iparku), suaminya dan 2 anaknya yang kecil), dia sudah punya dua suster, satu pembantu dan satu supir. Tapi sepertinya dia masih kurang, sehingga perlu ngambil satu pembantu lagi, yaitu pembantuku yang seorang diri doang di rumahku.

While she have four maids and one driver helping her, in our house, we do not have any maids or any drivers helping us. What do you think is in her mind? Aku sampai mikir-mikir ga abis….

This is not a denial thought. Tapi aku sebenernya ga masalah dia mo ngambil pembantuku untuk nambah bala bantuan di rumahnya. Hanya…..kok agak aneh ya? Aku belum abis mikir-mikir nih….

UseLess Thoughts

I had a long flight, an almost 24-hour-trip, flying far away from Indonesia, to a land they call as HolyLand. But there in that land, I had dream of you. Positively I took it as a reminder to stop and ban all those useless thoughts that I have been having lately. Useless as in I shouldn’t have had those thoughts and there was absolutely nothing I could get from those thoughts. So, I considered that dream as a warning of letting go all the memories of you.

(Sigh)

“Biasa sih. Ketika seorang wanita tidak benar-benar mendapatkan apa yang dia inginkan, biasanya sih dia tuh jadi keinget ama masa lalunya dia yang dia let go gitu. Apalagi kaya lo gitu…masih live around your past. Pasti ga gampang lah!” (Dina – an ex-colleague whom I used to share a lot of stories with)

“Hahaha…udah gue bilang. Jangan sering-sering maen ke sana lagi. Pindah tempat latihan aja!” (Raydith – my complicated best-pal)

“Inget lho, Diva…hukum tabur tuai!” (the small voice inside my deepest heart)

I had just deleted all your photographs. Though I have never looked at them for a very long time already. I just think that it could be a very important first step to get rid of every memories of you. Do you think I should delete all your numbers from my mobile, too?

(Hmmm….)

No More Jude Law

Women always think of marriage as the end of a relationship. But when I got to think about my marriage until now....there were something actually quite ironic about it. No, no, it's not about the guy I'm marrying, but more to how I live my life now.

I am not a woman who cares too much about how I look anymore. Unlike back then when I was still running my single life, I would care so much about how my 49-kilo-body looked like. And how even a single fat on my thin abs would have taken me out of my mind. Is it true when women get married, they stop caring about how they look? Or is it just their men who actually tell them not to care too much on the way they appear?

Once, one of my friends, Cecile, popped out a statement that 'haunted' me down until now. "Aku sih dandan, pake baju dan pake aksesoris yang disenengin ama laki gue aja. Karena untuk gue, yang terpenting adalah bagaimana laki gue ngeliat penampilan gue." So, when you are married and you still try to look good not only for your husband, does it mean you are cheating? Because, look at me now....I turn off my diet program. I go to gym like only 6 times a month. I hardly ever wear contact lenses and full make-ups.

But I guess now, that is how a single life changes into a married life. It has changed from "open for public offer" to "not for sale". Because, no matter how simple I wear my dress or how not sexy my appearance is now, there will be no more Jude Law in the corner to flirt anymore. So yes...then...I think women should change the way they appear after they get married. (Well, for me...it's not easy...but I am trying to throw away those hot-looking-dresses).

the Dreams |-------

Isn't it amazing how sometimes we thought that dreams are not to be meant to come true?

And here are some of my dreams....

Write a book
Well... :D I started out with this blog. And God really knows what I want and love. I did an editing on my pastor's book. And he plans to put me in charge of editing and helping his next books. Also put me in charge on building and maintaining his publisher. I think I almost finish arranging my puzzle pieces to form my dream.

Gettin' married
I once thought that gettin' married is just a dream away. Hundreds of failed relationships led me to a desperation. But, it was on 4 months ago, I made a sacred vow in front of hundreds of people I love, and in front of the guy that I dreamed about, cried about, wrote a lot of poems in this blog about. So..it was not just a dream away...

The last crush
Nope, I am not married to my last crush. It was just a one-step-important-decission I made before my marriage. And I am holding on...
Then...it was just a dream then... But I am learning not to regret it! (You bet!)

Well...after a long time not writing in this blog, I finally found out that I have lost my sarcasm side. :D (giggling) As I have told one of my very good friend through a chat in Yahoo!Messenger..."Hey! Be happy! Life's good!"