The Free Men

THE FREE MEN

We sometimes meet men who think of relationship as the scariest thing in life. Commitment is the second scariest. How would you get to be with them?

It’s not the commitment that we are afraid of. It’s the freedom that we cannot have anymore if we are in a serious relationship with a girl.

(Michael – Freelance designer)

I think commitment has been a great issue for men for a very long time. It will never disappear. It will always be there in your relationship with any men. I have dated like almost 10 guys and all of them have issue with commitment.

(Louisa – General Manager)

No, commitment has never been an issue for me. When you get to meet the right person, you will want to spend the rest of your life only with her.

(Ahmad – Account Executive)

Remember Charles? He’s the man whom I met first at Starbuck and later on made me think over to start a new relationship. I though, he might be the one.

We met for a couple of times. He is such a busy man, and so am I. But then I found out that he is so difficult in such a way. We never really talk about the relationship that we are having. We only talk about how wonderful life is, politics, art, how Indonesia has not been a good place to live, and how women and men are such different creatures.

Then one day when I met him for the seventh time. I felt like life has granted me a chance to see him today. I have a plan to put our relationship into a gambling table. It’s either we continue the relationship to a more serious path or we should left it behind and continue only as good friends. Because, honestly, I don’t trust in such thing as “Teman Tapi Mesra (TTM)”-thingy these days anymore.

And there he was, still looking so smart and adorable as I have always pictured him in my mind, eating a full plate of meat salad. I was so sure that he was the one. I knew it from the way he looked into my eyes, so deep and so meaningful. And when he gave me a smile that made my heart melt, I threw the question into the gambling table.

You have been such a special person

I would dare to go through any rough journey with you

But certainty has been a big question in my heart

Like Shakespeare said…

“The question is to be or not to be.”

It was an hour ago that I risked my dignity asking such question. Call me conventional, but I still live in a world where women are not to propose to men first. I am sitting in my car, alone, in the basement parking lot in Mal Puri Indah. I have tears all over my face.

“Diva…Sorry I have to tell you this. But I just got the news yesterday. I’ve always dreamt of pursuing my dream abroad. After my postgraduate in the State, I dreamt of living abroad and spending the rest of my life there. And yesterday I just got a letter, telling me that my permanent residence request in Canada is granted. I’m leaving for Quebec in eight months. Then I just realized that I can’t have a serious relationship yet. Not until if I felt sick of being alone. This is my dream….I’ve dreamt of it for a long time, Va… I have never intended to hurt you or anything. But I like being with you. You are such a special person. But I can’t have a serious commitment yet.”

The sparkles in his eyes, the blush in his cheek and the far-look-away daydream in his face made me realize that I have lost my game. Yup, I have lost the gamble.

Wiping the tears out of my cheek and eyes, I realize now that it is not the dream that he is pursuing. It’s the commitment issue. He could have asked me to move to Canada with him. But, no, he didn’t do it. He just left me behind.

To all the men out there….

When women asked for a commitment, we had never meant to put your life as our possession. It is just the warm and safe feeling when we know that we can always count on you if we were in the middle of huge storm. Don’t be afraid then, because we just want to share our heart with you.

Man Ego

MAN EGO

Kenapa pria selalu identik dengan egosentris? Apakah karena pria selalu merasa bahwa mereka adalah makhluk yang lebih dalam banyak hal dibandingkan dengan wanita?

Hari ini aku mengunjungi seorang teman di apartemen Mediterania, Julie. Julie menelepon sambil menangis, memohon supaya aku segera datang ke apartemennya. Ia membutuhkan seseorang saat itu juga. Julie adalah mantan teman kuliahku. Tipe wanita yang sangat diidam-idamkan pria : cantik, seksi, rajin, feminim dan baik sekali. Terakhir kali aku bertemu dengannya sekitar 1 tahun yang lalu, di perayaan nikahnya dengan Ardy, seorang bankir sukses. Setelah pernikahannya, satu-satunya alat komunikasi kami adalah handphone.

Ketika aku bertemu dengannya, aku tidak percaya bahwa waktu telah merenggut semua kebanggaan yang pernah membuat Julie menjadi seorang wanita yang begitu bahagia. Tidak ada lagi rambut hitam panjang lurus, tidak ada lagi badan seksi nan aduhai, tidak ada lagi senyum yang selalu merekah. Semuanya itu digantikan oleh mata sembab dan biru, bibir pecah-pecah, rambut setengah awut-awutan diikat menjadi satu. Dan cerita klise itu keluar dari bibirnya….

“Gue bukan tipe istri yang tidak berbakti, Va. Semuanya gue lakukan buat Ardy! Sebutin aja! Nyuci baju, nyetrika, masak, ngepel. We don’t hire servants. He said I can take care of everything. Semuanya! Semuanya gue lakuin! Padahal gue masih kerja di PT XXX, Va! Tapi dia…that idiot! Hanya aku minta tolong cuci piring sebentar saja, dia langsung marah-marah. We had a huge fight and he punch me in my eye. The next day, I asked him about a girl calling to our house and….and…he threw me to the wall.”

Betapa seringnya cinta dijual murah

Hanya mengandalkan detak jantung yang menggebu

Dan mimpi indah tentang cinta

Seringkali kemudian kita terhempas oleh harga tersebut

Bahwa ternyata hati kita tidak terbeli

Dan cinta murah telah membelenggu hidup kita

Dan cinta murah merenggut kebahagiaan kita

Bahkan mungkin nyawa kita

“Hal ini sama saja seperti mengapa ada yang namanya rasis di dunia. White people think that they are more superior that the black ones. Menurut gue, kekerasan pria terhadap wanita , either itu di dalam rumah tangga, colak colek, sampai pemerkosaan, penyebabnya adalah karena kaum pria merasa mereka lebih kuat, lebih berkuasa daripada kaum hawa.”

(Andre – Internal Auditor)

“That’s what they said as man ego. Pria itu ingin menunjukkan bahwa they have more power dan mereka seharusnya lebih dominan.”

(Yoga – Programmer)

“Menurut gue, kekerasan rumah tangga itu bisa terjadi, awalnya adalah dari ajaran orang tua dari kecil. Gue merasa bahwa dari kecil, gue diajarin nyokap untuk sangat menghormati wanita. Sekarang, setelah mempunyai istri, gue juga ga segan-segan melakukan kerjaan rumah tangga. Sering, di adat timur, diajarkan bahwa wanita harus berada di bawah pria. Hal itu yang kemudian berkembang menjadi kekerasan dan dominasi pria di dalam rumah tangga.”

(William – Businessman)

Aku merenung di depan laptopku. Juli mungkin bukan wanita pertama yang mengalami hal seperti ini. Aku menunduk. Karena aku juga pernah mengalaminya. Seumur hidupku, belum pernah aku ditampar orang tuaku. Tetapi seseorang yang sudah menorehkan luka di hatiku, juga sudah menorehkan luka di pipiku. Tulang pipiku retak karena pukulannya. Hanya karena sesuatu hal kecil yang kemudian berkembang menjadi pertengkaran besar. Herannya, aku masih menjalani peran dalam drama kekerasan tersebut selama 3 tahun.

Kami, wanita tidak pernah meminta sesuatu yang berlebihan dalam suatu hubungan. Hanya cinta dan perhatian. Di saat kami membutuhkan perlindungan dari kekerasan dunia, sangatlah menyedihkan jika kekerasan tersebut justru datang dari sang pelindung yang kami harapkan. Karena seharusnya cinta itu tidak menyakitkan, secara mental maupun fisik.

The ONE .1.

THE ONE

When you get to where you wanna go
And you know the things you wanna know
You're smiling
When you said what you wanna say
And you know the way you wanna play, yeah
You'll be so high you'll be flying
Though the sea will be strong
I know we'll carry on
'Cos if there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
(She's The One - Robbie Williams)

Everything about Steve is over. I have decided to move on. Lebih cepat lebih bagus , tentunya. That’s why, suatu sore, aku memutuskan untuk menikmati kopi favoritku di Starbuck Puri Indah Mal, salah satu tempat mencari inspirasi kesukaanku. Sambil membaca buku, menikmati secangkir grande Americano, aku melayangkan pandanganku ke sekelilingku. Ada segerombolan mahasiswa di tempat duduk paling sudut. Pas di depanku, duduk seorang pria, sendirian. Dari penampilan, he is exactly the type that I really adore : botak, atletis, tidak begitu putih, agak brewokan sedikit dan lumayan ganteng. Sadar bahwa aku memperhatikan dia, ia mengangkat kepalanya dan tersenyum tipis kepadaku. Aku membalas senyumnya.

Aku menunduk dan berpura-pura meneruskan membaca buku yang sedang kupegang. Aku tahu dia masih memperhatikanku. If I just look at him and smile a bit different from the previous, I know that he might come to my table and ask for accompanying me. Should I smile? Should I? Tapi aku masih masih merasa belum fully recovered from my last relationship. But…how if he is the one? There the question popped into my head. How would you know that a man is the one?

Belum selesai aku berpikir, pria tersebut sudah berdiri di sampingku. “Can I join?”

"Mmm...sure."

Ia duduk di depanku. "Hope I'm not a bother at all. Charles."

"Unique."

"What are you reading?"

Aku menunjukkan cover depan buku yang sedang kubaca.

"Sybil." Charles tersenyum lagi. Aku baru sadar bahwa ia memiliki lekuk manis di pipinya ketika tersenyum. "I've read the book, too. Good book. Great doctor, Dr Wilbur."

Aku menatap wajahnya lekat-lekat. He looks so fake, pikirku. Pertama-tama menghampiri seorang wanita di cafe. He must have done it with a lot of girls. Then he tried to be nice by sharing the same interest with me.

"So...what are you doing? Kamu kerja di mana?"

Aku berencana untuk berbohong. Tapi it just slipped out of my lips. "IT Consultant Company. But I'm also a freelance writer."

"Ouw...a writer? I always dream that someday I could meet a writer in personal. What do you write?"

Dream meeting a writer in personal? Yea....Bet you have said it to lots of other girls before. I always dream that someday I could meet a model in personal. I always dream that someday I could meet an advertising consultant in personal, bla bla bla.

"I wrote short stories and columns."

"What kind of stories? Romance?"

"Sort of."

"Woo...then you must that romantic kind of girl." Charles tersenyum menggoda.

That's it. I know he's not the one. He's just one of those men , picking girls randomly in public places, so they can have a one night date.

Aku berdiri dan mengucapkan salam perpisahan dengan sopan. "Sorry, got to go. I've promised to meet my friends mmm 5 minutes ago."

Kekecewaan dan kebingungan jelas tergambar di wajah Charles. Meskipun rasanya aku masih tidak rela meninggalkan wajah imut di hadapanku ini, aku tetap melangkah pergi. He's not the one! He's not.... Ga akan seperti itu, if he's the one....

Sambil jalan ke basement, mencari-cari Visto hitam kesayanganku, aku berpikir lagi. Charles...he is cute, likes to read and nice. I like men who likes to read. Might he be the one? That question popped in my head again and again and again.... So what, he is a little bit flirty? At least he is polite enough. Tiba di depan Visto mungilku, aku berbalik lagi, menuju Starbuck di luar.

Aku mencari sosok imut yang terakhir kutinggalkan dengan wajah kecewa dan bingung. Mejaku sudah kosong, sudah dibersihkan oleh Jackie, barista Starbuck.

Aku berbalik menuju ke parkiran. Saat lift membuka di Starbuck, there he is. Standing in front of the elevator.

"I'm looking for you." Nafasnya masih sedikit terengah-engah.

I know precisely that I was giving him a very wide smile. "Me, too."

Charles tersenyum. "Can I walk you to your car, Mam?"
Aku mengangguk.

I don't care if he is the one or not. Don't want to think about it. I just know that I felt comfortable with him. And that is what matters now. The trauma might haven't disappeared yet. It will be a bit difficult to have a relationship now. But this might be my chance for me to find "the one". Then I will just grab the chance, hold on to it and hope for the best.

EX = Friend ?

EX = FRIEND ?

Can we treat our ex as a friend? Just as a friend?

Pasti bisa! Kalo gue sih pasti bisa lah! Memories can still linger on, but we are going on
with our own lives, jadi pasti bisa! Gue sih bisa!

(John - designer)

Tergantung gimana caranya mereka putus. Klow putusnya ga baek-baek, gimana mo be
friends, ngomongan aja ga kaleee.....

(Yan – technical support)

Ga bisa! Dan mendingan ga...

(Cica – marketing executive)

Klo dah pada pasangan, mungkin bisa kali yac....tapi kalo masih pada jomblo bedua,
pasti balik pacaran lagi deh!

(Lisa – model)

Is it the feeling that still lingers or what is it? What makes it rather difficult for us to be just friends with our ex?

I just met Steve today, with his new girlfriend. Ingin rasanya aku menghampiri wanita tersebut dan mencongkel matanya keluar. "Cool down...cool down..." I kept saying that to myself. Somehow it works, because I can sit down elegantly (hopefully it will look elegant, instead of looking like a dead woman sitting). Steve didn't have guts to look me in the eye.

The day after tomorrow...

Dunia ini memang sangat sempit. I ran into Steve again at a grocery store. Kali ini tidak ada lagi manusia berjenis kelamin wanita yang bergelayutan di lengannya. Aku tersenyum sedikit kepadanya.

"Sendirian?" Pertama kalinya aku mendengar suaranya setelah 2 minggu yang lalu.

"Nope. I'm with Mona and Ivy." Geez, I miss him so much. And he looks even cuter than before.

Ia tersenyum pelan. "Mmm...si Winston baru buka studio baru di Pondok Labu. Ada party kecil-kecilan di sana. He invited us to come, as his special guests." Winston adalah salah seorang teman kami berdua. One of our best friends, who loves music so much and once told me that he had a crush on me. But it was before I dated Steve.

"Maybe you want to go? Sabtu ini. I can pick you up at 6." And there, he said it just like everything is fine and ok. Did he expect me to forget everything and be normal? Did he expect me to be his friend? What happens to his new girlfriend?

Aku bingung harus menjawab apa. Sebelah hatiku ingin sekali menghabiskan waktuku dan tawaku bersama dia lagi. Sebelahnya lagi ingin menampar dia di tempat umum ini for things that he has done to me. Sulit menentukan keputusan apa-apa, aku hanya diam, tidak menjawab apa-apa. Ia menarik tanganku dan kami berjalan bersama keluar dari grocery store tersebut.

"I want to show you something." Kami berjalan menuju mobilnya.

Di dalam mobil ia memutarkan kaset rekaman ia bermain gitar bersama Matez, one the best bassist in Indonesia. Selesai lagu tersebut, tiba-tiba ia memegang tanganku dan menatapku lekat-lekat. "I miss you."

Seluruh badanku langsung melemah. "I miss you, too." And it slipped out of my lips just like that.

Steve tersenyum. "Let's just go to Winston's party."

Aku terdiam sebentar. What is so important about this party, anyway?

"If you don't wanna come, I can always ask Linda to...."

Reflek aku langsung menamparnya. I don't need no reason to do that. It has stood there, right in front of my nose, waiting for me to do that. And I have spent a useless 15 minutes to listen to his craps! Aku berjalan pergi, meninggalkan Steve yang bingung. I felt so stupid. I was hoping that everything can still be normal and we can be friends, very close friends. I was still hoping that I can still spend some warm and comforting time with him.

Mungkin apa yang dilakukan oleh Steve tidak salah. He still wants to be friends with me. Hanya saja, dia tidak memikirkan betapa dalam luka yang telah ditorehkan olehnya di hatiku. And it needs an incredibly long period of time to heal. Maybe someday I will be able to look him in the eye and tell him , right in front of his nose : "Let's be friends. Just friends." But for now...I will just sit back and forget about this "Trying to be friends" stuffs. Because, in fact, it was not an obligation. It was just an option to choose.

Selingkuh, is it LEGAL?

SELINGKUH, IS IT LEGAL ?

Selingkuh adalah salah satu fenomena yang paling dinikmati oleh semua orang. The thrill, the atmosphere, feeling wanted, the whole scenario...semuanya begitu menyenangkan. The question is : is it legal? Not that you will be jailed for this, but is it legal for anyone's feelings?

Aku bukan seseorang yang tidak pernah melakukan. Been there, done that! And I have to admit it, it was real fun back there! Tapi sekarang kondisinya lain...Dulu aku menjadi pemeran utamanya, sekarang aku menjadi penontonnya. Rasanya kok beda ya? Padahal filmnya sama dan jalan ceritanya juga mirip sekali. Hanya endingnya yang berbeda.

this is the retake of my life
i was his star for many nights
now the roads have changed
and you're the leading lady in his life
lights, camera now you're on
just remember you've been warned
enjoy it now
cause it won't last
same script different cast
(whitney houston)

The leading role...

I still remember how I got used to tell lies about my activities. When Steve asked me where I've been going, fake stories just slip out of my lips so easily. Sometimes it made me scared, how I was so capable to do that.

Aku menjalani kehidupan keduaku dengan Kevin. He,himself, juga sudah memiliki separuh hati yang harus dia perhatikan. Both of us knows exactly what we are doing and we support each other in lies and deceives.

Aku kenal Kevin dari teman bisnisku. Dia adalah type seorang pria yang kuidam-idamkan, except the fact that he already has a girlfriend. He is cute, a six-packs man, fun, very smart and owns a business. Berawal dari a cup of espresso di Starbuck, we end up with a long movie of unfaithful love.

The audience...

Sampai pada hari itu, in the middle of February, I had a huge fight with Steve, the original and legal love of mine. A week after the huge fight, still in the aura of anger, he told me : "Gue lagi deket sama cewe'. She is nice. Sudah seminggu." And that's where I put a break-up decission on our relationship. And, just like that, I walk out of my 3-year-relationship with tears and wounded.

Besoknya aku tidur terlentang di karpet di kamar tidurku, sambil berpikir. Mengapa dengan mudah aku memutuskan hubungan dengan Steve, padahal aku juga sedang menjalankan script movie yang sama dengan Kevin (which I still go on until now) ? Mungkin ini berkaitan dengan egoisme. Mungkin ini berkaitan dengan keserakahan manusia.

The point is....I just realized that if you don't want to be hurted, you are not to hurt anybody. So, when you did hurt someone, when it came back to you.... do not ask "why" .

Hung Up

Hung Up

a mirror always reflects every truth beneath

now that i look into it

i saw a lost soul with beauty on sale

without love, without the heart, added with a hung out look

my weary feelings have drown me in desperation

i can’t get it out of my head

the hurts and the scars still linger on

made all everything impossible to reach

i had never wanted a second shot

it had never been beautiful at all

but still the images dance around me with the poisonous happiness

help me… would anybody whisper in my ear

and tell me that these are all only illusions

Which Way Should I Go?

Which Way Should I Go?

aku menoleh ke kiri dan ke kanan

bingung....

begitu banyak jalan yang menjanjikan hal indah di ujungnya

tapi kakiku tak kuasa melangkah

jalan pertama berbisik...

“Marilah, Sayang. Aku akan memberikan semua harta di dunia ini kepadamu....“

aku menggeleng....

“Aku tidak ingin harta. Yang kuinginkan adalah cinta.“

jalan kedua menghampiriku...

“Hiduplah bersamaku. Seluruh keindahan fisik akan mengiringi jalan hidupmu.“

aku menepisnya

“Aku tidak ingin keindahan itu. Aku hanya ingin cinta.“

jalan ketiga merangkulku pelan…

“Sehidup sematilah denganku. Aku memiliki kebijaksanaan, sesuatu yang paling penting dan tinggi di dalam hidup.“

aku menengadah dan menatapnya sedih

“Aku tidak ingin itu. Aku tidak ingin semuanya!!! Aku hanya ingin cinta.”

aku tertawa histeris, bercampur tangisan

seolah ingin meluapkan semua aliran darahku

membanjiri seluruh permukaan dunia

diiringi bisikan … bahwa aku hanya ingin cinta

tidak ada satu pun jalan yang mampu menyentuh sedikit pun ujung hatiku

aku menyerah

aku menyerah pada takdir

aku tidak kuat lagi memilih jalan romantikaku

karena di luar sana, tidak ada lagi cinta untukku

Aku baru merasa bahwa sudah tidak ada lagi cinta untukku di dunia ini.